Irrationally Running
by totem
Summary: the sisters want revenge at any cost, this is Phoebe's POV short After the death of a sister Revenge causes irrational thinking. R


**Irrationally Running**

**Disclaimer – I don't own them….you know the drill**

**This is a ramble of Phoebe's thoughts. Background info:  
Paige was never adopted, Prue was killed and the sisters want revenge at any cost. oh and Phoebe is going out with a whitelighter called Dean! So yeah its A/U**

Referring to possible death casts a shadow over my face. I stand there my heart beating around twenty times the original pace as I look into the eyes of the man, the 6ft man stood in front of me. Death isn't something that many people welcome into their lives willingly but us, we go out looking for the situations that bring death closer to us and only when someone like him voices this fact does it really hit me. Does he really believe that little in me, that death is so very imminent? Obviously he does. His words alone have made me unsure, unsure of myself. He's looking down on me, I know it's hard for him not to because his height towers me, he has no faith though. He makes me feel incompetent. I doubt in myself. Does he really believe that I'm that weak? I don't respond to his accusations, of failure, death and weakness. I turn my back on him, walking over to the window I look out. He tries to correct his prior out burst but I don't let him, I don't let him correct the words he spoke because I know although spoken in anger it's what he felt. I know if we get into yet another argument things will progressively get worse and to be honest I am unsure as too how much more strain our relationship can handle. It was never easy from the start, two people. Two very different people living in the same world with opposite opinions on near enough everything in the world. I would say black and he would say white, I would say right and he would more commonly go to the left. But yet I was attracted to him – like a magnet I was negative and he was positive. He pulled me, a magnetic force that I couldn't deny, never could from the start.

"Look I didn't mean it like that?" His voice, I can sense the annoyance alone. I turn back to him, and lean on the window sill. What could he have meant by 'your going to die' I mean I think there is only one thing it can mean. This is my life, what I do every day he knows that so why now does he feel I'm not up to it?  
"What could you mean?" I voice my thoughts, I'm angered. I know he can see it. As I look into his eyes I wonder why we both put ourselves through this – pain. We could both throw this is, leave this place and start a life. A life where we are not over run with problems that we are forced to solve, that bring on these arguments.  
"This guys dangerous…we've seen what he's capable of" He shot across at me, as if I'm stupid and don't realize! Of course I've seen. This sends me past angry and the argument that I was trying to avoid was given the needed fuel to burn. How can he question my understanding of this monster? After I watched him tear down the strongest person I know. "Of cause I've seen what he's capable of. He was the one who killed my sister in front of me. Of course I know!" I shouted, my voice was raised.  
"Well than why do you insist of taking him on? Without the backing of 'them'" He shouted back as if it was all so obvious, as if I should have waited.

Here we go 'them', almightier than god 'them' they watch it all play out throwing orders and tell us what to do for 'them' but when you need something off them you never get it. Why should I give a shit what they want? "You know why? They refused to help my sister and by the time we got there it was too late. From now on I don't wait for anything of them. From now on I do this my way"  
"Well your way is going to get you killed" I didn't want to have this fight not now; I walk forward and look up at him. "Look I told you because…I don't know why…I thought you should know. I'm not looking for your approval and I really don't need to hear how you think I'm going to fail!" I spat the words with so much hurt. He had hurt me. After all the time the two of us had worked together never once had he doubted in me! Not only had we worked together that was the man I'd given mine everything to. The man who I was about to offer my life to the man I love. I just walked away; pulling the door open I left the bed room and headed off down the manor.

He followed, I knew he would. He was going to try and stop me. Stop me from going ahead with it all. Paige was right she had told me that he wouldn't understand. He was right this was suicide but he hadn't lost a sister, he didn't understand why I had to do this. He called my name but I continued to walk. I was emotional right now and although angry at him I loved him more than anything and I wanted to leave the manor with his backing but if I didn't get it then that be that I was still leaving. It was when I got to the bottom of the stairs that he shouted my name in anger. This attracted both of my sisters to the foyer along with Leo and Richard. I turned to him, my man stood on the stairs. "What?" I scream at him, I already know what but what else could I say.  
"You can't do this…She's dead and you going out there and getting yourself killed isn't going to do any good. It won't bring her back. Wait till they find out more on him, till they tell you what you need to know"  
"Them up there…they sent us after him the first time with half the information what the hell difference is it this time?" I shout, I don't see it does all I know is that he is going to pay for this for killing my sister.  
"So what your going out now, doing the same thing. You're going to wind up dead for god sake Phoebe." He has made his way to the bottom of the stairs now and is stood in front of me.  
"They didn't care before that one of us was going to die" I scream at him. I feel my family stood behind me, watching as we have yet another argument.  
"No maybe not but I ...ing care now Phoebe… I care and if you feel anything for me you'll wait" He was beyond angry now as he advanced towards me. I stood unmoved. Looking into his rage filled eyes which I'm awear mirrored mine. He loved me like I loved him I never doubted his love ever even like now in the most heated arguments it was usually due to love. I was filled with so much emotion. He wasn't the only one who had trouble with accepting our arrangements to go and face the demon who killed or sister Leo was also against it. Funny how it was the two whitelighters. RULES! It was the rules they feared and I was well a wear of that. I wasn't going to stop at the rules. Maybe before but not now. We had all lost a sister, all three of us and we all wanted revenge. We wanted the blood of our sisters killer. I wanted blood on my hands and I didn't care for the price I'd have to pay. Right now I know in my irrational state death didn't seem like a steep price to pay.

"Your not going to change my mind" I say as I look to the floor, "I want them to pay" I can feel my strength draining away. It's getting harder to fight this and still be angry. The pain of losing someone I love is hitting me hard.  
"I don't want to lose you Phoebe" I hear the need in his voice. Paige walked over "Dude maybe he's right I mean…we really can't go up against him. We are still weak from before maybe we should wait"

What, what is she saying. She was the one who was all for this. She helped get the vanquishing potion sorted. I swing around, "What is the inner whitelighter coming out in you too" I spit. Right now I hate them all, all the whitelighters. Truth is I blame them all. Leo saved Piper and Paige. Then my boyfriend was to blinded by love and I blamed him for it. Dean healed me when he should have healed Prue! It should have been Prue who was here now not me.

I walk over to the table that I had but the potion on earlier, I took it In my hand…  
I'm tempted to just walk out of here with it and kill him myself…

I look at the door, but then turn back. "So what…what changed, we were all for it? We were going to kill these bastards?" We were all so ready. Paige shrugs her shoulders, "We are too weak Phoebe without Prue were too weak"  
"Well Prue isn't coming back" I scream, loudly just incase they had forgotten. Maybe something to do with going to my sister's funeral today I was never this irrational - Careless sure but never suicidal and irrational. I knew It was death at the end of all this.

Piper's got tears welling up in her eyes, I can see it even at this distance, Paige has given into the tears and Richard had wrapped his arms around Paige's waist and pulled her back into him. It was at this point I realized that the family was truly broken…the loss of out sister had lead to the loss of my sanity. I shouldn't be after the kill I should be trying to keep us all together. I throw the potions on the side and walk forward a step. "So what do we do now?"  
"Wait" Piper offered… "We wait"  
"For what…for them to take us all out one by one?" I can't help but spit it venomously in such anger. We are all stood there for a few moments in silence. I give in and the tears well up. "Fine" I manage, "We wait…" I turn around and look at him. The man who showed me that I was fighting a losing battle. Seemed the men in the family had all done there job. Protected their women. I know that Piper had been talked out of it by Leo and Richard did the same for Paige.

I felt like when Prue died we were all fighting on our own, but it seems now that were a team! Not like we once were but still a team and just because Prue was gone didn't mean we still didn't have to follow the rules, still fight but make sure we'd come back. Prue always looked out for us all and now it seemed we needed to look out for each other. I just walked over to the man that was stood there for me! My man.

I wrapped my arms around him and let him comfort me! He was me strength, made me see that I couldn't walk away without been prepared! And no matter how much I hated them for taking my sister away I couldn't turn my back on them if I did I'd end up dead. I think it was this night that we all realized that everything had changed! We weren't invincible as we had once thought!

And as I let Dean hold me I realized, he didn't doubt in my abilities, he knew what I wanted! I wanted someone to hold me back!  
I wanted to know that someone still cared!  
And they did!  
They still cared … we all still cared for each other and we had to trust in the others love now!

And even though I felt alone I knew I wasn't… I'd lost a sister but I'd always have someone! Maybe one day death wouldn't be an aspect of our living… but from what I'd learned today we didn't have to go out and look for death anymore because death came for us! And eventually won…

We had to wait…  
I understood now we were all waiting for it

FOR death…  
death is so very imminent. WE all knew it now! And none of us would forget

**the end - R&R**


End file.
